OK, I have been a very bad blogger as of late. Completely MIA for the past few weeks, nary a peep. I’m sorry but I promise I have good reason for it! Upon returning from my lovely vacation touring around BC a few weeks ago, I checked my work email and found one telling me I would be travelling to New Jersey and Toronto for the following 8 weeks. Starting the week after that. So I’ve been gone from the virtual world because I have been gone from my physical one as well. I’ve been in 3 different provinces and 2 states over the past 3 weeks, spent 40 hours at home and am writing this from the airport as i head back on the road. It has been very long hours and very exhausting but one of the good things I just realized – doing this work stuff has almost completely distracted me from our baby stuff. It’s been nice to immerse myself in something other than cycle days and tracking my temperature. I know this will all change very soon as we have our appointment on Friday to make our final decision about our plan but in the meantime, I will enjoy being exhausted by something other than making a baby!
We have our follow up appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow. It has been 6 weeks since we had our first appointment; 17 months since we first started trying to conceive; over 10 years since we first started dating. It is funny how time changes. The past 6 weeks have felt so long. The two week waits are always an eternity. And yet the months have flown by. Our time trying; our time together. We are here, at the doorstep of our plan, our appointment. I don’t know what to expect but I am hopeful. And nervous. And scared of the diagnosis and having to keep waiting. I just want a plan, something to hold onto, a way to move forward. I guess we shall see what tomorrow will bring. Wish us luck!
One of the biggest strategies that I’ve used for keeping a positive outlook through all this (well, positive all things considered…) is to really focus on the little things and to see the joy in the world (wow, so cheezy). It is just so easy to be sad, frustrated, and angry so I’ve worked really hard to keep my eye on those things that make me happy. While I still have my down and my really down days, reminding myself of how good life can be and how awesome things are ultimately helps to pull me out of my funks and keep me feeling good. So, I’ve decided to start blogging on the things that I think are AWESOME out there! Kinda like the Book of Awesome but my own personal version. Here’s a start!
1. Getting out of work early on a Friday. Extra hours to do NOTHING! Or hang on a patio. Or check on my garden. Or make an awesome meal for my hubby. Or take a nap. Really, it feels like endless possibilities. It also makes Monday seem extra far away.
2. Pet friends. They are kooky, and weird, and scratch my couches, and sometimes leave hairballs, but pet friends are just so awesome. They add life to my home, they provide companionship, they have their strange little personalities. Less awesome – sleeping right next to my face.
3. My king-sized bed. I don’t sleep well, never have, so anything that helps with my quality of sleep is awesome. Between my really tall hubby and my 2 awesome pet friends, I found that I wasn’t left with a lot of room left to roll around and sleep on my stomach with my knee up to my ear. Cue king-sized bed. I vow to never go back to anything less. Seriously – go out and buy one. Like right now. I’ll be here when you get back…
4. Summer storms. Living in Calgary means that we are treated to some wicked crazy weather and one of my faves are the summer storms we get. It will be bright and sunny one minute and then you will turn around to a sky full of blackness that looks like it came from Mordor. And then ridiculous hail will sometimes rain down on us. And huge fork lightning. I am lucky to have a great view from my house and one of my favourite things to do is just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. I love it.
5. Vacation! Because who doesn’t love a break from the everyday; a chance to relax; moments to reconnect and rejuvinate; and just generally not having to wake up super early to commute to work.
And speaking of vacation, I’m outta here! I’m headed on a road trip through BC to enjoy the great outdoors. Have a great week everyone!
In going through this, I find happiness is hard. It is a fight to feel good, to enjoy life, to not feel like I am wasting time. I fight to enjoy time with friends and not get overwhelmed by other people’s pregnancies. I fight to enjoy sex and not have that feel like work. I fight to keep my relationship strong and to be strong for my husband who is also struggling. And on top of all that, the happiness I fight so hard for is fragile. Pregnancy Facebook posts feel like an upper cut. Hanging out with friend’s kids like a punch to the gut. My happiness is like a house of cards – so hard to build and yet so fragile and quick to fall down. But I continue to fight. I remind myself that I don’t want this time to just fly by. I revel in sunsets and hot showers and a good laugh. I fight for the little things, the friendships, to keeping my life mine and enjoyable. And I fight to make this happen for us because I know one day it will happen and all have been worth it.